Just for a bit of fun I thought I would compile a list of the top ten passion killers for women, in other words the things Husbands, boyfriends, lovers or men in general do, that really turn us women off and leave us wanting to run for the hills or find ourselves a more exciting lover.
Number 1, Undressing
Imagine you have got as far as the big build up to your romantic encounter. The seduction is virtually complete and you have both navigated your way into the bedroom and begun to lose items of clothing one by one. Passion is so thick in the air that you can almost taste it, and then......... your man stands before you naked, resplendent........ that is until you notice he has still not yet removed his socks. Seeing your horror he quickly lifts up one foot and pulls that sock off (nearly losing his balance in the process), and then repeats this exercise with the other foot. When he looks up again, expecting you to still be "hot to trot", you are facing the opposite wall pretending to be asleep, the flame of passion completely extinguished.
Number 2 The Restaurant
You are both out enjoying what is supposed to be a romantic meal for two in a nice restaurant, the menus have been handed to you and you have made your choices, then, whilst you squirm with embarrassment, your man raises his hand above his head and snaps his fingers to get the waiter's attention. A rather peeved looking waiter approaches the table whilst you try to smile at him apologetically, your man meanwhile proceeds to talk to the waiter like he is a lower form of life not fit to lick his boots.
Having made it to the end of the meal, enduring your dining companion complaining to the staff a number of times that the food is not up to his expectations, and you shuddering, wondering what on earth the staff must be doing to it in the kitchens before they return it to this obnoxious git, the meal is finally over. Politely you offer to pay your share of the bill, never expecting him to accept, but instead he whips out a calculator and promptly works out exactly what each of you ate and what that cost and happily watches you pay your percentage.
Outside he asks if you want to come back to his place for 'coffee', and then looks puzzled when you hastily make excuses about having to get home for the sake of the cat and how you have just remembered you are heading off on a 'round the world trip' for six months, starting tomorrow.
Number 3, The Nose Picker
This one is self explanatory, you are out on a date with the chap you have fancied for ages. For months you have fantasised about snogging him to your hearts content and then letting nature run its course. You are about to be in for a nasty experience that will result in a re-think of your fantasy.
As you stroll around the local park enjoying the sunshine and holding hands with your love interest, you glance over to him, prepared to swoon again at his dashing good looks and his fantastic profile. Nausea immediately descends upon you when you realise he has his index finger inserted up his nostril almost to the knuckle. With morbid and disgusted fascination you cannot tear your eyes away as you watch him carefully remove his finger from the nasal orifice, examine the nuggets he has excavated, before popping them into his mouth. Suddenly all thoughts of ever kissing this man have turned into your worst nightmare and you decide to leave as soon as possible. The end of the walk finally arrives, and he leans forward with obvious intentions of ending this date with a passionate kiss. Backing off rapidly you mumble excuses about having a nasty cold coming on that you don't want to give to him, and before he can try and reassure you that his immune system is excellent, you are in the nearest taxi out of there.
Number 4, Bad Breath
Your first date has gone ever so well, and at last you feel you may have met Mr. Right. He has everything going for him, good looks, a sense of humour, charisma, money and a great personality. Wow, at last, there is a God! The end of the evening has come and you feel that tingling sense of anticipation about the kiss that will surely end the date. Outside he looks deep into your eyes, your knees go wobbly and you lift your chin, closing your eyes in preparation for an unforgettable kiss, then WTF, suddenly an odour envelops you that smells like the breath of a Komodo Dragon, (the lizard with saliva so putrid it acts as venom). Fighting your natural instinct to heave up this evening's dinner, you back off at high speed, topple off the kerb on your "oh so sexy" high heels, and nearly get hit by the passing bus. To add insult to injury you realise upon standing up that you also landed in a badly placed dog turd that is now smeared on your new blouse. On the plus side this is a great excuse to head for home with vague promises issued that you will call him in a few days, as you toss his phone number out of the cab window.
Number 5, Sweaty Feet
So you made it as far as the bedroom, so far no problems, all seems good and he has managed not to leave removing his socks until last. The real action begins and as you both become more adventurous you change positions to enhance your pleasure, then, as you decide to romantically kiss him from his ankles to his knees and upwards...... you are nearly knocked unconscious by the overwhelming smell of really bad sweaty cheese. Immediately you mentally take back the 'Number 1' passion killer as being "leaving the socks on until last", and wish he had never taken them off at all. It is clear this chap has a major issue with sweaty feet and/or fungal nail infections. If he thinks you are putting your nose anywhere near him now he has another thing coming. Making an excuse that you need to use the bathroom, you grab your clothes, dive into the bathroom, get dressed and make a fast exit out of the bathroom window.
Number 6, Body Odour
A bit of a follow on from Number 5, but also in a league of its own most of the time. Many women will say they like a man who smells like a man, they even might enjoy the smell of fresh sweat, a real masculine male, hunter gatherer, defender of his woman. This is not the same as some sweaty little oick who can't be bothered to have a shower for days at a time.
Put yourself in this position. You have gone out with the girls for an evening of drinks and flirting. Sitting at a table you catch sight of Mr Gorgeous sitting at the bar. After much nudging and giggling with your friends about 'who is in with the best chance of pulling this burning hunk of love', you finally manage to catch his eye, and as your eyes meet you melt. Could this be the one? After a further ten minutes of meeting each other's eyes and exchanging smiles your friends admit defeat and sit back to enjoy the show. Mr Gorgeous approaches you from across the room and asks if he can join you. Naturally everyone agrees and slides up to make room for him to sit down next to you. It is about now you notice a rather sickly sweet sweaty odour wafting from somewhere. You can't quite place where it is coming from, that is until Mr Gorgeous goes to put his arm around you and the smell suddenly becomes so bad your stomach begins churning. By now your friends have also noticed and are struggling to contain their laughter at your misfortune, and their own vomit. You are not so lucky, as after about three minutes of being marinaded in this foul smelling cloud of pollution your stomach admits defeat and returns five glasses of red wine straight into 'Mr. Now Not So Gorgeous' lap. At least this does get rid of him very quickly though as he is forced to leave in order to go home and get changed. Hopefully at least he will have to have a wash now.
Number 7, The Beer Gut
You thought you had married Mr. Right. He had all the qualities you looked for in a man and none of the obvious passion killers you wanted to avoid. You have now been married several years and suddenly this man is developing a beer gut, beer belly or whatever you prefer to call it. This has no doubt been caused by the fact he enjoys the local pub a bit too much, and when out with his mates it is considered a sign of weakness if you can't sink ten pints of lager or more in a session. Bit by bit, month by month, he has lost sight of his feet (amongst other things down there). Your friends are starting to ask you when his baby is due because he looks more pregnant than you did at nine months gone. Suddenly making love with him has lost its appeal for you as you don't revel either the idea of seeing him naked, or trying to explain to him why you fear suffocation if he goes 'on top'. To add insult to injury, the smell of stale beer on his breath is not a turn on for you, plus the quantity he has consumed certainly doesn't help him in the performance department.
About now is when you start 'window shopping' and sizing up the other men that might have been of interest had you been single. This is just the beginning however, and if your man doesn't start making an effort it won't be long before you stop window shopping and make an 'impulse buy'.
Number 8, Skid Marks
The man you have fancied for months, flirted with, kissed and teased has finally made it to your bed. He undresses and so far he has made no mistakes, but as he loses his final piece of clothing, in this case his boxer shorts they drop to the floor inside out. You glance down, only to see a huge brown skid mark running right down the rear of them. Yuck, your nose involuntarily wrinkles up in disgust. If he thinks you are going to be putting your face anywhere near that region of his body he can think again. For the umpteenth time in your life you wonder why it is that women check the toilet paper after they have wiped and use more if needed, whereas men wipe once and assume they must be clean now. The problem is they then scratch their bum crack later on and in effect this becomes the second wipe they should have had at the time of the actual event.
Sighing with frustration you tell him you have just remembered that your washing needs to go on tonight and that it simply cannot wait as you need clean underwear, whilst looking pointedly at his discarded, skid marked boxers lying forlornly on the bedroom floor. Ignoring his protests you get dressed, leave and delete his phone number immediately from your mobile.
Number 9, The Kinky Fantasy
You have always considered yourself open minded when it comes to fantasies in the bedroom department, after all, who would mind being tied up occasionally or dressing up in a sexy outfit to please their partner. So when your new boyfriend announces that he has a few fantasies he would love to indulge in with you, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. He takes you by the hand and leads you into his bedroom, and WTF, you are confronted by a giant nursery, complete with adult man sized nappies, a huge baby-bouncer, an adult sized cot, baby wipes etc etc. He then asks you to be 'Mummy' and vanishes into his bathroom, (leaving you with your mouth still hanging open in shock), shortly to return wearing one outsize nappy that he tells you he has soiled. Apparently you are supposed to change him, clean him up, spank him for being naughty, dress him in the baby grow, breast feed him and then tuck him up in his cot!!!
He quickly notices your complete lack of enthusiasm for this idea, probably when you start to put your coat on and head for the door. "Well how about if I let you pee on me and poop in my mouth instead?" he calls out desperately... Too late, you are already back on the phone to the dating agency asking for a refund on the defective male they hooked you up with.
Number 10, The Mummy's Boy
This is definitely one huge turn off for any woman. You have accepted a date with the "pretty boy" from the office. He seems a handsome enough chap and is apparently a gentle soul. It only becomes apparent what his real problem is when you arrive at the restaurant in time to see his Mother dropping him off and kissing him on the cheek to say goodbye. You think this is bad enough, but half way through your meal you feel aware that someone is watching you. As you turn around you see the figure of his Mother dive out of sight behind the restaurant window. You decide to pretend you haven't noticed and continue with the date.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt you agree, (with some trepidation), to go around to his house for dinner a few days later. Upon arrival his Mother answers the door, looks you up and down disdainfully and reluctantly invites you in. Your chap shows you around the house, including his bedroom which clearly has a "Mother's Touch". Everything is tidied away, the clothes in the wardrobe have been organised into colours, a photo of "Mummy" is on the bedside cabinet and his pyjamas are folded up on his pillow.
Returning to the living room dinner is served. "Mummy" makes sure precious boy is served first and has all the leanest cuts of meat. You however have your food unceremoniously dumped onto your plate. Daddy seems a nice man, but barely says a word and looks fearfully at 'she who must be obeyed' every time she addresses him directly. "Mummy" then proceeds to interrogate you about what your family do for a living, how much you earn, where you live, etc, clearly not impressed by any of your answers! Precious Son says little to help you out and you are rapidly losing any respect you had for him in the first place. This is only to get worse when "doting Mother" starts to criticise your choice of clothing, your hair style etc and raves about what a wonderful girlfriend her other son who has now left home is with (actually he probably fled from home). Mummy's boy tries to give you a watery smile, but by now you are done with him and his lack of backbone, after all, why is he still living at home aged 35!
Your patience at breaking point you make a sarcastic excuse that you must leave now or you will miss your favourite programme "Mother-in-Laws from Hell" on Sky. Getting the hint she scowls evilly at you as her feeble offspring walks you to the door.
"Can I see you again?" he asks hopefully.
"Sorry", you reply, "I think you will find that she made your bed and you have to lie in it".
